Aböut Jûs Me

2008-07-08T23:36:00.004+08:00

Just wanna blog about what happen recently. Her bff , Lijun, pointed out her attitude problem thingy and made her so upset. She cried in my arms. But all she tell me is that, Lijun cannot stand her attitude problem and such. She was very hurt by what her bff told her and even blogged about it. Never seen her so hurt before. Did things to made her happy, told her how she can change etc but don't think she's taking in anything.

I also told her :" thats actually how I felt when you ignored me and always push all the blames to me when It's the fault of 2 of us . You cant avoid them always. You must face it. "

Thats all I said to her.. I felt upset when she just answer me. At least she can say.. Thx for been there for me and such.. Non... Non...

2008-06-11T08:46:00.007+08:00

Saturday, 7 June 08,
She went for her CCA. Just asked her to be careful and nothing else? Meet Millie and Zishen at Yewtee for breakfast but both were late? LoL. Didn't mind about that. Even there's nothing much for us to do after breakfast. I enjoyed the presence of them being around me. ^-^Went over to Admiralty and waited for her to arrive as she's meeting me. Millie went off to meet her boyfriend shortly after we settled down at MAC. So it's left with me and Zishen. LoL

She reached Admiralty shortly and I brought her to my house. Cuddle her to sleep and woke up around 6PM. Went over 768 to have our haircut. After her was my turn and I saw her sms while my hair was being cut. Paid for the hair cut and once we exit the salon I asked who was she replying her sms to. She said:

Jos: Ruisen lo, he ask me where am I. Told him I was having my hair cut with you. He then replied sian. I ask him why eh? He said everytime you go out with bf I become moody.
Ed: LOL! Crazy ar?
Jos: Dunno and don't care? bleh. I ask why again. He replied I don't like you going out with your bf.
Ed: LOL! Really crazy. Don't go out with me then go out with who LOL.
Jos: Ya la. Siao 1. I reply him hahahahahahah. Then no reply liao.

My heart was like :" WOOOHOOO !! SO DUMB !! HE MADE THE WRONG MOVE!! WAHAHAHA !! " Though I was evil saying like that but YA ! HE'S DUMB !

After buying an orange tee for myself and a red tee for her, we went for dinner at Ichiban. She did nagged at me for wasting money eating all this but at least I know she enjoyed it? Send her home after that and somehow.. I'm looking forward to tomorrow church camp . =D

Sunday, 8 June 08,
Went to the church camp in the afternoon meeting up with Jacky and Kristine before heading to the JC. Once reached, Jacky left us to Sinman and Kel to do preparation for his performance later in the lecture hall.

Did abit of worship and praise song and such. Had lunch after that. Found out that Kristine is a comfortable friend to chat with. Went out of the school to have our lunch which is somewhere a few minutes walk away.

Next thing when we're back to the JC, we head toward the lecture hall. Saw alot of performances and they all did a great job, especially Jacky's beatbox with a rapper which I did catch his name. Great performance sall ! XD

Gonna skip the talk about the dinner as it screwed up my mood alittle. -_- Zzz Next was the camp fire. Wasn't that high because the speaker's volume was very soft. The fireball that slided down from the 3rd floor didn't light up the pit. Disappointed was the word to cover most of the stuff. After camp fire, the next time I know we're waiting outside the Hall, waiting for them to open the door for us to collect our belongings and head home. Kristine did a very cute sound which is stuck in my head.. Something like PuuuuChi ~ ? LoLs. Super cute voice.

On the way home, I phoned her. She told me lots of stuff on what happen and all but when it was Woodlands, Kel and Sinman alighted. Of cos I would say good bye to them and thank them for the great time. But somehow I didn't ask her to pause her conversation before I said Good Bye to Kel and Sinman. She got pissed b'cos I ignored what she said. I did ask her to repeat herself but ended up she didn't want to share anything. No matter how hard I tried, she didn't want to share anything. And finally we hung up. Phone Kristine and told her what happen and she was like , err chill man, cool down lol.. Thanks anyway.

After I'm done with my bathing, I gave her a call again asking is she tired or not. Chat for awhile and she decides to sleep. So greeted her good night, hang up and switched on my com not knowing what I'm gonna do with it. Awhile later, she was back online and said she couldn't sleep. Since my brother was still awake, we 3 of us played gunbound -_-

While we're in the game for quite sometime. She asked me some question in the game chat.

Jos: Mao, that day you go Zishen house did u said something like don't put in too much into a relationship, later end up like me ?
Ed: no? I did said something like that but it was , don't put in too much into a relationship because if your partner don't responds to you, you'll be hurt. I told that to Ziping.
Jos: Are you drunk that day?
Ed: No? I only drank 1 bottle of long island tea and 1 cup of volka absolute. Why? How you get to know all this?
Jos: Ruisen thought we broke up cause Zishen's cousin tell him that day you go his house drink 3 cups of volka got drunk and said those things.
Ed: No? I only had 1.
Jos: He can't be trusted. LoL
Ed: Who? lol . Tell me on the phone later.
Jos: k.

So we continued to game for awhile and I phone her after shutting down my com. Wanting her to give me a clearer picture of what happen , I asked her.

Ed: what happen?
Jos: Ruisen thought we broke up cos Zishen's cousin tell him that day you drunk and said those things.
Ed: LoL? How can I get drunk? Only 1 cup Volka 40% and long island tea 8% nia. I still walked home after that. haha
Jos: Ya. Only 40%. Somemore 1 cup only, not like I never see you drink before and I know my ah mao won't so easily get drunk de lo. I got a mouth to ask. They think I stupid. Anyhow say things like i'll believe, think I 3 years old ar.
Ed: LoL . Then what Ruisen say now?
Jos: He say the friend want to hai him, give fault information. That guy cannot be trusted. Infront of Ruisen he talked about you. Infront of you, he talked about Ruisen.
Ed: 2 headed snake ma.
Jos: He cannot be trusted.
Ed: Ruisen also cannot be trusted somehow. Once he heard the raw news info tat we broke up, he straight away ask weather you broke up already or not.
Jos: Aiya don't care. I told him no such things. Maybe to him like 1 year plus where got so easy break up.
Ed: You won't know your suitor? LoL
Jos: Aiya I don't trust him that much also.

Somehow I feel she's losing trust that she gave Ruisen. In my heart was like :" O YEA BABY !!!! " It's stupid but.. Thats how I felt ? LoL.

Monday, 9 June 08
Nothing much about FYP. TOTALLY BORING. Played psp, sleep, yawn.. What else? LOL. After school I went over to her house for dinner and Causeway point after dinner because she wanted to eat sashimi sushi from Ichiban.. Asked my bro and sis along but only my bro came. Went to buy the sashimi sushi, visited her dad's shop and went to Power 9.

She wanted to pierce the top of the ear which I used to have. Ask her to go ahead if she wants to but she said she's scared. Duh~ Since she's afraid, as a boyfriend I should accompany her ma. Then she like okay, you pierce first? So I asked the jiejie there to pierce back the same hole which I used to have.

PIAK.

There. After that she told me she don't want to pierce -_- Zzz Somehow I felt that I got pierced for nothing.. She blew the wound for me and asked does it hurts? Smiled and asked her back, What do you think? LoL

Had a little chat with her while we're on the train sending her home. Greeted her good bye and all. Left the place and head home. ^-^

Still praying everyday that nothing will happen to her and she don't fall into the lies of her suitors.. Well shall stop here. It's lengthy enough LoL..

2008-06-06T10:51:00.003+08:00

Thursday, 5 June 08,
When to school for FYP. Bored tracing the circuit. The more I trace, the more I get annoyed as the lines are starting to go all over the board which I cannot find where is it linking to. -_- ZzZ

Read her blog and noticed she posted photos she have taken of friends in ITE. Telling myself it's okay and tried to cool down but my mind starts to run wild.. Thinking that for our relationship of 1 and a half years, we've taken less then 10 pictures together. She don't take pictures of me nor ask me to take photos. Even I asked her to, she'll reject me. EVEN if taken, she won't post it up anywhere.

In the blog, she wrote she actually wanted to donate blood because don't what had trigger her to do so. Heard from her that is Ruisen who wanted to donate and asked them along I guess. SO the whole group go along. Ended up only Ruisen can donate as they're all under age. She took photo of him while he's donating blood.. It might be no big deal to people reading this but it's threw me off a little. Felt jealous that she spends more time with friends, treats them more importantly . All she does is to blog about her friends and herself. NON about me. NON ! Telling myself it's okay and I spread my sadness to Minkuan.

Told Minkuan and all he say was:" Why go think? Since you know you'll get upset reading it. Then don't read it. Now I tell you what I see. She wants the trust from you but ain't doing any action/ moves to make you trust her. AND when things go out of hand and you wanted to solve it, all the blame goes to you because YOU DON'T TRUST HER ! Why lead such an unhappy relationship. If you cannot take it, then let her go. If you feel you can improve this relationship, then tolerate until you cannot take it, tell her. If she feels it's no big deal and insist there's nothing wrong. Not putting at least some effort to have a heart to heart talk nicely to solve it. THEN whats the use of keeping a girlfriend who don't even care how you feel? We told you to wait and see, but you keep wanting to see immediate effect. Just wait and see. You'll know what to do when things happen." To me he's telling me something like, if you want to save this relationship, why not give it your best shot and do all you can! But all I can do is to wait and see...

Went off at 4PM to meet Minkuan as he wanted to buy a phone without camera. Went 888 to get the phone after eating noodles. That was around 6PM when we're done buying the phone. Only after eating the noodles, THEN he tells me that he's meeting his friends 7PM at Cine to EAT AGAIN ! WTP?! Rushed to his house to change because he wanted to. The weather was kind to us raining heavily only after we reached his house for less then 5min .

Reached cine and we had Shokudo (Mk's treat) for our dinner. Walked around Orchard after that and ended in HMV. That was around 9.15PM when she sms and said she's tired. So gave her a call and she told me alot of what happen in school today. Was glad she told me all of those? Talked for quite sometime and hang up after saying good night to each other.

On the way home, we played DJ max2. I am the weakest link -_- ZzZ Got trashed just like a trash. Da bao Mac for Ziping and brought alcohol to his house. Slacked till 12.30AM and bus-ed home.. That was the last night to see Minkuan as he's going to the remote island the next morning for NS. LOL! Hope he'll be alright there and I look forward to our next chilling session.

_________________________________________________________

A)people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs . B) tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. these people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Shock, stun, disappointed etc. Will give her my blessing and let her go. Most probably will undergo depression.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
With great earning power and a family. Including her of cause. =/

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Non of what people seen. Wanna make my wife feels special.

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
I don't know myself..

5. What's your ideal lover like?
My present girlfriend with a improved character. Give me more attention, filled me with all her love whole heartedly and faithful ? Draw a clear line with guy friends?

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Of cause to be loved by some1. But loving someone wasn't that bad if your parnter is worth it and she appreciates you.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone u really love?
Always, if she can be trusted. Why not wait since it's your true love.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Just be by her side since I can do nothing about it.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Some little things she does that made me upset alittle.

10. Is being tagged fun?
Okay okay lo..

11. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
Dunno. I see nothing yet..

12. Who are currently the most important people to you?
Family, Her and friends.

13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?
A person who cares to tag.

14. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
Married but poor.

15. What's the first thing you do every morning?
Open my eyes.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
Yes I would. 99% of my heart. Cause I still need 1% to keep myself alive.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
That wont happen. I'm not a bastard who pick between 2 girls.

18. What type of friends do you like?
Friends who cares for my feelings and all. Share burden with. Use and abuse. =x

19. What type of friends do you dislike?
Who dont pays attention to you when you talks to them. Zzz. Backstabbers. Twin headed.

Tagged by : Demi

2008-06-03T10:12:00.005+08:00

Friday, 30 May 08
Forgot what happen on Thursday. Friday was boring due to the FYP. Tracing of the stupid circuit from the stupid micro-mouse.

It's the length of just my pencil duh ! If I continue tracing, I'll become Pa Jiao one day. After school, meet up with her for dinner. Reached her house and I hide the Pokke under her pillow without her noticing. Went for a walk instead of a dinner at Yishun and walked around North point. Meet up with Minkuan at Khatib after I sent her home and went for cell group at Sinman house. After Cell group, I received a sms from her saying she's going to bed and asked me to send 3 messages to her. 1) on the way home 2) reached home 3) going to sleep. Didn't replied her but gave her a call instead. She was on the bed she said. Hoping she would say thanks because she found the Pokke on the bed but she didn't even find it. Told her there's a Pokke on the bed but her reaction was like :" Orh okay. Tomorrow then find.." Abit disappointed but got over it quite fast after I hung up the call. Slacked at Sinman house till 11PM++ and actually planned to chill but Zisheng and Jacky was too tired. So in the end, I went over Minkuan's house and transfered Worship songs into my phone.

Watched videos from youtube and slack till about 3.20AM before I have my long walk home. Zisheng planned to play badminton the next morning around 7AM and told him I'll be there. Slept for less then 3 hours, my alarm went off.. It's 6.45AM..

Saturday, 31 May 08
Sms-ed Zisheng to confirm weather the game in still on or not. But he told me the kids didn't phone him yet. So went back to bed and woke up around 8AM and notice Zisheng had miss called me twice. Packed my stuff up and bike-ed off to meet them.

Played badminton till 11AM and comes a sudden heavy rain. Rushed home and was already 1/2 soaked Zzz. Bathed and went over to meet her at Khatib. I planned to have a movie or something but she turned it down. End up we had breakfast at a coffee shop near her block and went to my house after that..

As I was tired due to lack of sleep, once reached home I showered and we slept. Woke up at 5.30PM, saw my mum and sliblings preparing to visit my grandpa at the hospital. We bus-ed to Admiralty and went separate ways as we're going Clementi to return the memory card we owe the handphone guy. On the way there, we was very happy and all until I took her phone and asked permission to take a look at her photo galleries. She took back the phone and said :" Don't want let you see." Asked her once why can't I view the photos? She looked at me with no emotions and said : " Just don't want to let you see."

I was upset and became moody. Kept quite and plugged in 1 side of my ear piece. She nudged me and said :" Everytime like that want. Abit jiu angry. You want see jiu see la, nothing much also ." Replied her :" Nvm, just now I was curious but since you don't want to let me see for the 1st time I asked you, whats the point of letting me see now?" " We meet only twice a week, go out also cannot happy happy de meh? Like that jiu angry" she said. Like as if it was my fault? I asked and you don't let me view the photo. Seeing I became moody, THEN you let me see the photo with those unhappy tone. Who will want to ? I feel that the thing will get worst if I looked at the photos as both is already unhappy. Looked at her and said :" Since you say got nothing why 1st time I asked, you rejected? It's not I don't want to be happy, if you just let me see the 1st time without any words said bu shi hao liao right? Why have to go through so many things then bu shuang bu shuang de let me see? Maybe I'm tired cause so I tend to be moody. I do not have enough sleep. Next time don't see jiu don't see lo, don't want us to pick a fight over this small stuff. Your pekcek face is what I wanted to avoid all along cause I just want to see you smile." Finished my sentence and cuddle her a little.. She kept quiet and returned me a hug. To me it's like what are you hiding? Why can't I see the photos? Only when I Pekcek already then you let me see the pic? Whats the point?

Rest of the day was fine.. Just don't know whats the reason behind why she don't let me view the photos. O well.. Don't want to dwell in it. Sent her home around 10PM. Sit on the sofa and enjoy each other presence. Kissed good bye and went off when it was 10.30PM.

Went home and waited for Minkuan. He reached around 12AM -_- ZzZ Played guitar in the room and learned some stuff from him. Slept around 3AM that night.. Uber tired..

Sunday, 1 June 08
Woke up at 8.30AM and planned to have breakfast with Minkuan after he goes home and wash up. Ended up miscommunication with my dear mummy~ Our breakfast was canceled lol. Waited for Jack to wake up and plan what movie we're gonna catch. Watched Sex and the City at 4PM. Great good with good story lines but it's too much of what a M18 movie can see lol. Too much sex scenes.

She sms-ed me half way through my movie and asked how was movie. Replied her as per normal and when I took notice the sms content getting shorter, I replied :" Okay la. You enjoy your show, sms you when I reached home =) " Easiest way to end a sms since there's no content in between.

Had dinner at the food court while waited for Puiman to arrive. Chilled at StarBucks for awhile but went off early as Jack needs to book in at 8.45PM. Went home after that and talked to her on the phone and coax her to sleep as her lesson is at 8AM tml morning. After that talked to Demi on the phone till like 1AM I guess? Sian next day Monday.. Have to do tracing again..

Monday, 2 June 08
During my FYP, Kelvin called me and ask me out together with Minkuan. Went to Grand Copthorne Hotel to have Pizza =/.. Kelvin and Minkuan paid for me as I'm out of cash ... -_- ... The Pizza was delicious and thanks to Kel's special privileges, the total cost is only about $69 after 1/2 price. He worked there for 7 years long years both full timer and part timer O_o...

Here's some pictures taken there..

Don't misinterpret, I'm only acting.. LoL

Photos all done by : Minkuan
LOLS

After the fantastic meal, we taxied to Summerset Mrt to meet up with Sinman. Train-ed home after that. Kel and Sinman damn sweet ar.. See liao jealous lols..

On the way home, she smsed me saying she's going to sleep and ask weather I want to give her a call or not. And so I did, talked for awhile and hung up. It was 9.30PM after I hung up the call. Reached home around 10.30PM.. My heart was telling me to phone her to see weather she's asleep already or not. But my brain told me not to.. End up. I called.. And I'm on the 2nd line.. She answered the call.

Ed: Mao I reached home already. Going bathe now. Haven sleep?
Jos: orh okay. Haven, now talking to bff.
Ed: Orh okay lo, I go bathe 1st .Sms you later then.
Jos: orh okay , Bye.
Ed: Bye.

Short talk.. But ya.. She can be frank if she wants to.. No point questioning her and quarrel over it.. Even at times I felt she's keeping something but.. Maybe I'll just give space and trust and she'll be truthfully and frank to me? Don't know.. Will see about how it goes..

Felt that my heart is been pressed down, I phone my heart listener, Millie (also treated her like my blood related sister) , and told her how I was feeling.. Did felt better after pouring it out. Don't want to bottle the troubles up and so I choose to pour out and forget about it. =)

2008-05-29T10:27:00.006+08:00

Friday, 23 May 08,
Last day of work today. Forget about what happen last night somehow. Didn't think about it. Met up with Ann at Admiralty. Actually wanted to reach the office early but ended up I'm late? LoL.. Even the last day of work still cannot get on time for work. Reached the office and hide the bag with the gift we wanted to distribute.

Gabriel brought us lunch for our last day. Thanks alot for all the care you've given man. Had korean meal. Had a near 2 hours lunch. After that we gave out the gifts to people who have given us attention and help when we needed. Thanked them as we gave away the gifts and had a nice talk with quite a few people. End of the day Farhana, Ann, Angie and me took a photo together and I rushed for Cell group back at woodlands. She didn't sms me the whole day.. Tried not to think about it..

Had an interesting cell group with Brother Valor and XinMan taught me some guitar stuff. Was inspired to learn even more knowledge of guitar. After that went chilling at Zs's house while waited for Jacky. Slacked until Jacky arrived Admiralty. After that went to my house and sleep? LOL was boring but it was brother bonding ar. LOL .

Did sms her but her reply was not much of content. Asking have I enjoyed myself and such. Forgot what else she smsed me.. O well..

Saturday, 24 May 08,
Met Mk, Jacky and Zs went for Prayer meeting together. Forgot what was I irritated about. Forgot about the topic I was dwelling about. Maybe thats what I should do. Just forget and I'll have nothing to type here.

Jacky bring along a friend called Kristin. She was a funny person somehow? LoL..Slept while they are having their prayer meeting. The service was not as high as before.. Maybe my mood affected it. After the service, we went to a food court below MERITUS Mandrian Singapore hotel to have our dinner. Had korean style sliced spicy chicken meal and a chat with Kelvin while waiting for our food to be served. Went back to the table and ate the spicy chicken. Was nice. Really. Actually wanted to think of some place to slack but just had no place in mind and every1 was tired so eventually we all went home.. Very simple day but still I was pekcek of something which I forgot.

Sunday, 25 May 08,
Meet her up and went clementi to take a look at the phone W910i. Reached there and traded in our phone, w810i and k770i. The handphone guy said that I needed to add additional of $530 total to trade for 2 W910i and only can be collected on Monday as the stock needs to be ordered. Since she wanted both our phone to be the same and she's so excited about it. I walked to withdraw cash of $530 beside the handphone store.

She pulled me and asked me to think over before I buy. She fear my mum will dislike her cause she's spending my money and such. Fear I've no money left for my saving. I told her, it's totally fine, as long as she likes it. I'll give my best to get it for you if I can afford. Told her :" As least brought you something you'll always use. Even you wont think about me while using me ,but at least you're using it.. " Her mood was no longer excited. She felt guilty and everything can be seen from her face like I'm reading a book.

On our way home, she held me so tight like she never did before.. Kept holding on to my hands which she didn't for a long time.. She's worried that my mum will dislike her and dares not go to my house for dinner. Talked and consulted her on the way back home from Clementi but her mood didnt get better. Even after we reached my house for the first hour, she still feels uncomfortable. My aim wasnt to make her feel guilty but just wanna let her know I really do love he and hope she feels the same way too. I did felt that she loves me.. But once she started sms-ing.. Everything seems to go into the drain... Had dinner and went home. Told me that she loves me and thank me for getting her the phone. Left after we kissed and hugged a little.

All my heart tells me is.. Hope all this is gonna make us even closer.. Quietly I prayed in my heart it will improve our relationship and she'll loves me even more while I'm on my way home.

Monday, 26 May 08,
Started my FYP in school. My supervisor stressed me to hand in my draft ideas, researches and Order List of Micro Mouse on coming Friday. What the hell? So many things to do. After FYP, went over to Khatib to meet her and we travelled to Clementi to collect our new phones. She was very excited and told me that we're gonna have the same phone. She's close to me that evening.

Collected our phones from the handphone guy. After we collected the phone.. She starts to sms again.. Same guy.. RuiSen.. Just pretended I didn't see anything and became moody. She noticed and ask what happen. I answered, I'm just tired. Send her home after that.. Didn't talk to her as much but did listened to her when she talks or joked. Didn't know why am I so affected by her sms-ing another guy and she type 3 to 4 lines of content. Why does she finds a need in reply. I don't get it.. Is that guy SO IMPORTANT TO HER? I'm totally jealous AGAIN and starting to see no faith in this relationship. Reached her house and had a talk with her. I ask her, when will she stop loving me? And I mentioned 1) When I do those thing that makes you angry again and When other guys manage to touch your heart, 2) When I don't want you 3) when you don't want me. Then she say still got 1 more? I said I don't know. She told me.. :" 3) is when I die la ." Don't know how I felt.. Just complicated and don't want to think about it. Went home after that..

Tuesday, 27 May 08,
Nothing to talk about..It's the 2nd day Demi has been entertaining me through sms and msn. Thanks alot Feifei. Didn't recieve much sms from her.. Only 4 or 5 sms in total.. Was abit upset by that but.. Since she's tired.. Then let her be.. She'll if she wants to sms me. Her sms is reducing every single day and now, everytime she's going home or finish her lesson, she didn't tell me. I'm totally fine with it.. But seems like she has forgotten about me.. I was totally out of her life for the day..

Wednesday, 28 May 08
FYP as per normal... Didn't recieve much from her sms , just like yesterday. So after school, I went to meet Mk and Brother Valor for dinner at golden mile instead. Didn't want to meet her in the weekdays as I know she'll be tired and wont be enjoying either.

Talked to Brother Valor about my problems and all. Had some advices from him. After dinner we went Mustarfar as Valor wanna get a VideoCam. It was like 10pm++ and I gave her a call since she smsed me saying she's gonna sleep..

Gave her a call and I was suspended on the 2nd line. Was totally fine with it. Once she picked up the call, I asked :" Mao. You're talking to a friend? " She just said :"no ar." Replied:" But my phone said I'm on the 2nd line eh weird." "Don't know? I'm in the toilet ." she said. I was like huh? My phone shouldn't have a problem what... Talked to her awhile and near the end of our chat, she told me :" Just now a friend called to ask what time to meet tomorrow. " All I say was :" Orh okay.. Tired jiu sleep ba. Rest well k? Good night . " Held my anger down and keep cool so I wont get angry over a small problem. She kisses me through the phone telling me to go home early and good night.

Hung up the call.. And I started dwelling into the problem again.. Why does she needs to denie twice saying no one is on the line with her? Ended up saying her friend asked her what time to meet tomorrow ? My phone showed I'm on the 2nd line why she denie she's not talking to any1? Maybe she don't want me to get jealous? Or she just wanna hide something and ended up giving an excuse saying her friend asked her what time to meet tomorrow so I wont suspect? She's already messing with my mind. I thought giving a call saying good night personally would be much better then just a sms. But I'm so disappointed by her answer.. Denied twice and then say her friend ask her what time to meet tomorrow... Just don't know why she find a need to do all this..

Mk told me, since she don't want you to know, whats the point of you trying to know all this? It's like a malay purposely speak malay language infront of you, cause they don't want you to know what they are talking about. Since they don't want you to know, why make the effort to guess the meaning of what they're sayaing? I don't know.. Seems like I made a wrong choice of calling her... She just can't be frank with me... I don't know myself either..

2008-05-23T09:47:00.005+08:00

Thursday, 22 May 08
Second last day of working in the office. Actually it's not bad over here.. Wonder how will it be like when Final Year Project started. Worked under store management today -_- Shifted 20 near 30 monitors into a bloody small storeroom.

End of the day, Ann , Shalrine and me meet up for dinner at Sakae Sushi. Knew that Mk and Jack will be there as before my work ends, they had already planned everything. Had a wonderful time catching up and crapping until she messages me saying she reach home.

Asked when her phone can be collected. She replied :" Saturday lo. heh ". And somehow I offered to accompany her to collect the phone as on Tuesday she told me that she's meeting me up on Saturday. Mentally I planned alittle what we can do together on Saturday. Watch movie maybe? Window shopping and spend quality time together. And her reply was.. :" I going with RuiSen? After that going Cindy house. We meet on Sunday k? " I was angry and very disappointed. It's like, you're the one who said to spend time with me coming Saturday and ended up you're meeting another person. In additional, I actually gave into her when she told me only RuiSen accompanying her to fix the phone because his phone have problems too. Both alone , 1 on 1. It's very giving of me to just say on that day :" Orh okay lo. Go lo. " Now Saturday AGAIN !!!! Again both of them gonna collect phone TOGETHER? WTP ?!

Replied her :'' Orh okay. " Nothing else then the two words which carries my unhappiness and displease. " Replied me the first 2 message saying :" Sorry mao mao pie. Don't angry luh =( " , "Don't angry le k? I'm sorry mao mao pie =( ". Told her I just disappointed, I'll get over it and don't worry. She replied :" haiyer, as if you will. " WTP? I said I'll get over it because it's all the fault you caused and now you said AS IF I WILL!?! If I'm those WTF guy, I'll just tell her off. What if I canceled a meeting with a group of friends just to accompany you? What if it's something important I canceled because of you. AND NOW YOU ENDED UP SAYING YOU'RE GOING OUT AND MEETING ME ON SUNDAY INSTEAD! Said I'll get over it asking her not to worry. SHE ACTUALLY SAID AS IF YOU WILL. I felt so discouraged. Totally disappointed BUT WHAT CAN I DO? SHE PLANNED EVERYTHING AND NOW THEN I GET TO KNOW? O Sorry mao mao pie. Don't angry luh. TELL ME WHO WON'T BE?!

After she said :" haiyer. as if you will." To just cool myself down and not causing conflict or any quarrels or even ME typing stupid stuff to tell her off indirectly. I changed topic telling her I'll be going out later to meet my buddies. She replied a few message saying sorry all those.. Heart soften and finally sent her :" It's fine. Really. I understand. Stop saying you're sorry. I love you okay. Just meet on Sunday instead. Don't dwell in it.=) " I actually thought over and over why she find a need to collect the phone with Ruisen together. And somehow understands since they both serviced their phone on the same date and time, logically they'll get back on the same date. Secondly, Cindy it's a important ex-colleague with her which they use to share alot of things with each other. Finally Cindy's birthday passed recently and maybe she wanted to celebrate with her for a belated birthday gathering. Coax her telling her I understand, it's okay, go ahead and all...

My disappointment didn't improve a little but my anger faded.. Just felt very disappointed. We used to meet everyday.. Reduced to 1 3 5 7 and 2 4 6.. and now twice a week. It's very giving of me to do all those for her cause I think it's worth it but why after setting our meeting date , you actually pushed it to another? She did her part saying sorry all those and have to forgive her..

Sms her continued from the last sms I sent, her sms gets shorter with no content. I replied the way I always do :" Orh okay lo, then you sleeping already then sms me ba." Packed the gift Ann and me brought into little gift bags. When I'm done with it, she sms me saying she's going to sleep already so I gave her a call. Started my topic and theres little responds from her. Ask her whether she has anything to share with me or talk about anything? She questioned me back instead saying what you want me to say? Was totally turned off. On the phone I just said back to her :" Then okay lo, you tired then sleep ba. Good night sweet dreams. bye" and I hung up. Felt communication break down with her. Why she has nothing to talk to me about? haiz.. Sent her a good night sms like I did usually. And her reply was the same like those nights I chill out with my buddies. " Heh, good night mao mao pie . Muack. Going home sms, reach home sms and sleeping le sms me okay? Enjoy yourself . Love you hee. "

Went home, wiped my body with a wet cloth, washed my face, changed a set of shirt and off I went to meet my buddies at Admiralty. Vent my anger out by telling them how I felt this and that. They're all the same, they too will be disappointed and angry if this happens to them they said. Drank a few mouth of Long Island tea Mk brought and I like the taste of it. Also did asked him to help me buy another bottle of alcohol , Black current Volka. The taste wasn't that good compared to Long Island Tea. Lay down on top on the monkey bar while chatting with them. It's really great spending time with my buddies.. Took a photo of Mk when I'm sitting on top of the monkey bar. Just miss those day we're all single and happy.. Miss those days she's sweet to me. But ya.. Nothing remains the same always.

2008-05-22T09:52:00.008+08:00

Wednesday, 21 May 08,
I was quite occupied yesterday blogging and with some of the office work. Near the end of the day around 5.40PM, I sms to ask where is she gonna have her dinner. She told me that she would be having her dinner with Lijun. Didn't ask much after that and told her to enjoy and be home early.

After work, which was 6.30PM due to last min work again, I walked to Jurong MRT station with Angie, Farhana and Ann. Taught Angie how to play with the 2X2 cube but I think.. I ain't a good teacher lols. Received a sms from her asking have I finished my work and such. Told her I had just knocked off from work and heading Jurong. She said she'll be going home to change before she goes out for dinner and also asked where will I be having mine. Told her what she wanted to know and ended off the sms by asking her to sms me when she reached home. Anything just give me a call. There's no reply -_- Zzz

Reached home I bathe and practiced my strumming. That was about 8.20PM I guess? Received a sms from her asking have I taken my dinner or not and said she just started eating. Did felt that she made the effort to ask all of this things. Told her I've yet to eat mine and she reminded me not to skip my dinner. She do cares for me.. =)

Around 9.20PM, she reached home and asked me to give her a call. Chat on the phone and asked hows her day etc. Told her that I'll be having a chilling session later with my buddies and wants me to send her 4 sms. 1) Before I go out to meet them, 2) On the way home, 3) Reached home and 4) Going to sleep. Agreed upon her request and continued talking. Did complain to her that why ain't she talking and she voiced out saying she's too tired after the long day to respond. Coax her to sleep I sent her a good night message and this what she replies :" Heh. Sorry k I'm feeling tired. Love you mao mao pie (it's mao mao + sweetie pie) . Good nights." It's been a long time since I see her sms-ing me this word sorry.

Met up with my buddies at Admiralty Macdonald's at 11.20pm. Shifted to the fitness corner around 12AM once we're done eating. Listening to one another problems, past , family background etc. Everything we could talk about we'll start the topic and talk. Did some exercise while chatting also LOL. Love the chilling session we had. Wonder when will we 4 meet up again as Minkuan it's going army and such. Things gonna change a little and adjustment have to be made.Went home around 3.30AM, don't know how am I gonna survive working hours tomorrow with my tiredness lols.

Didn't felt as bad as I used to be recently. Compared to last time, which I'll get miserable over the things she does and worried just too much about every single thing she does etc. So easily affected by her. Even chatting on the phone, Sms or going out with her friends, my mind will run wild and kept thinking what is she doing right now. Will those guys try to get close to her, did she sit properly when she's wearing skirt, did she cover up her chest area when she bent down etc. Did made me felt very exhausted and crazy .. Slowly, I'm learning to let go of the excess worries I have, trying to have my own stand rather then leaning on her.. By doing all this, I hope it can mold my character, strength my mind set and improving myself as a person. Hopefully she can feel my maturity that I'm no longer a small boy who gets jealous over little stuffs and able to love her the way she wanted to feel. And finally, I wanna make her feel that she can lean or even be dependent on me and I'll be the guy she can hold on to in the future..

2008-05-21T10:02:00.006+08:00

Tuesday, 20 May 08,
Went to work with a super uber sian attitude. Just want to sit there and do nothing but just to blog. Noticed my post is always 1 day back because I only update them in the morning. Did Monday 19 May 08 post for almost 1 full day I guess? Hmm..

Checked her blog and saw that, she only blogged about the day she spend with the friends, with the date 15 ,18 and 19. Skipped the day we had our monthly anniversary and only updated time spend with her friend. I felt I'm non existent in her internet life. Her posts mainly all about her friends and just nothing about me. Wasn't comfortable with it the whole day but ya.. People can say, she don't want to write about you, basically there's nothing you can do. It's true.. Agreed with it but still can't set the topic aside.

Last min work made me stay back till 6.30PM. Sms to tell her I'm just done with my work and rushing over. She replied after sometime saying she reached home, just done with the bathing, asked me to buy newspaper for her grandma and also to see me soon over at her house for dinner. Had chats with Ann over some topics which I forgot but ya.. Time traveling while talking indeed is a very good way to burn time. Reached Khatib around 7.20PM, brought the news paper and went over to her house.

Had dinner together while chatting about random topics. And also joked with her saying :" Mao, if 1 day you're sick of looking at my face, tell me. I go plastic surgery okay?" She replied :" BENBEN! I won't de okay~" Hope she really won't.. Brought up the topic about why she skipped the day we had anniversary in the internet and being non existent because she don't talk about me anywhere. And all she said was, I don't write about you because lazy to do so and I find not a need to let people read whats happening between us. But doesn't mean I don't love or care about you lo. Guess I've to just set aside this topic since this is the way she feels.. I'll let her be as long as she loves me... Foolish but.. yea.. I'm foolish..

Had a time just to ourselves, watched TV together and she leans on me.. And thats the way I wanted her to do always.. I don't know whether I'm feeling rekindle or not. On the sofa, I asked why recently she has stop coming to stay over at my house. She told me she fear that her dad would find out 1 day, she needs to pack up her cabinet and don't want me to get use to it. O well, since she said so, I'll just take her words then. Told her that I'm just missing the morning I woke up seeing her sleeping by my side and she replied sure there will be chance in the future she will stay with me and I can see her every morning.. She also added only maybe once in a long time she'll stay over at my house and when she's 24, she'll move in officially to stay with me.. Thats a long way down.. 7 years ain't easy to do like she mention. But at least she does think about it yea? Think positive, think positive. Went home at 9PM as I can see she's tired and her lesson is scheduled at 8.30AM tomorrow morning.

While I was walking back to Khatib MRT, Jack called to ask if I'm free to chill and ask Zishen whether his house is available for 4 person. Planned everything but ended up, Zs is unable to make it because his mum nagged0 at him. So I informed Jack that Zs is unable to make it. End up the chilling session was canceled. Phone her when I reached Admiralty and from the way she answers me.. She's exhausted.. Tried to get a topic to talk about before I hang up but she's too tired to entertain me.. So I told her to rest early and when I'm sleeping I'll send her a sms. After exchanging good night messages I walked home, showered and sms her a message at 10PM saying :" From the day I fall in love with you, I never once regret even till now or even the future. You have my words that I'll still say the same thing. Good night, I'm sleeping now, love you." There's no reply. I presumed she has fallen asleep and didn't want to wake her up. Hope she feels glad instead of feeling nothing when she reads it. Now all I've to do is to numb myself and get use to it, so I won't feel miserable even I'm now not mention anywhere in her internet life or even the time she spends with her friends..

2008-05-20T09:52:00.005+08:00

Saturday, 17 May 08,
The night before, she told me to visit my grandparents instead of meeting her up and she's gonna meet up with some friends for dinner. Wasn't disappointed. Woke up in the morning around 9AM and I don't know why, I felt like going to Church. Sms-ed Minkuan to ask whether I could tag along as I just wanna keep my mind occupied so there won't be space for my mind to run wild. Sms her to inform her that I'll be going to Church instead of my grandparents house. All she ask is.. Why eh? After telling her that I just wanna go there to enjoy. Her reply was orh okay. Enjoy yourself huh. Love you. As for me I told her to enjoy her day and let me know before she goes out for dinner.

Meet up with Minkuan, 2.30PM, at Causeway Point's bus inter-change. When Minkuan arrived, he approached a group of kids that is suppose to go for bible study at 12.30PM and they're still here! After Minkuan tell them off, we aboard the bus 168 which heads to Tampines. Before going to the high way, SinMan aboard the bus. Had a chat with her and after 1 year+ not seeing her or what so ever, she still remembers me lol.

Traveled to Expo. When I'm inside City Harvest Church I was surprise that actually few of the people there still recognize me because of my dimples I have.. Cool huh.. The song there was cool, atmosphere was amazing and I just ENJOYED every part of the service. One of the song called " The secret place ", it was sang so well with the atmosphere including those people singing along and I was glad that I attended the service. The whole place was spiritually filled when they all sang the worshiping songs and pray as a whole. And the two sentence that was stuck in my head was " Living to be near you Lord. I long to see your face."

I felt I was touched by Christ. He's like knocking on my door somehow.. I felt him touched my heart, my soul, read my thoughts and wanting to heal me. But somehow.. I didn't accept him after hearing to the words spoken by Pastor Kong. He said " You hear people say, I pray to God. You don't hear people say, we dance to God, we sing to God. We Pray to God. Don't pray for what you desire to get from Jesus, don't pray for the help you needed from God, PRAY TO GET NEAR AND KNOW JESUS! PRAY TO GET NEAR AND KNOW GOD. And what you desires will all come along with it !" This made me stopped and think.. Why I felt that I needed the help from Jesus? Why do I want to pray to him? Why do I WANT to believe in Jesus? Because.. I desire something from him, I needed his help and I don't want myself to accept Christ because I NEEDED SOMETHING FROM HIM. I DESIRE improvement in my relationship with her. I want her to love me more. I'm more like desperate for his help then wanting to get near Jesus. Did told Minkuan how I felt at the moment and what if I believe Christ because I just wanted his help.. I backslide, I fear I'm unable to commit that much and all.. All he said was :"As a friend I won't force you to Believe. Followed your heart. Not the rules or how people judge you. Because no one have the right to judge accept Christ himself. Give it time. Think and follow your heart."

After service, it was around 8PM. Didn't receive a sms from her since afternoon. Sms to ask where is she and started to chat for a very short while saying she's already outside, ask me to enjoy myself. Of cause I'll enjoy myself duh. I had Tons of fun during that service. After I step out of the Church.. My high spirit gradually dropped low all of a sudden and my mind starts thinking of her again.. Went to Century Square with Minkuan's cell group friends to have dinner. The baked chicken rice wasn't that bad after all. We did laughed alot which I never had for a very long time. SinMan asked me a few questions about hows my life going and such. And when she asked do I have a girlfriend? My heart dropped.. And nodded my head. She felt weird and asked, why when she asked about my girlfriend I'm like so upset. Told her generally how my relationship is like. Minkuan added that I'm non existent in her internet life. She's a good listener =) All she advised was, don't care much of what she does, what she wanna hide, just TRUST WHATEVER she said to you, just believe it until something goes wrong then you'll know what to do. Somehow thats the message I get from her words and all..

I look forward to the next service, I still wanna go to the Church, simply just want to experience all of those again. Also the cell group meeting on Sunday.. But I'm meeting her instead so I can't make it.

After dinner, we called Jacky and Zishen out for chilling session but Jack was too tired as he just booked out from camp. On the way back to Woodlands, she sms-ed me that she had reached home and bathed already. Which was around 10.40PM. Sms-ed and chatted for awhile. Wanted to ask who she had dinner with.. But after thinking, I felt that she'll tell me who she had dinner with if she wants to. Her last sms to me was " Then I go sleep le k? Careful ok ? Going home sms me, reach home sms me and going sleep le sms me okay? love you baby. Good night. Tomorrow wake up me when wake you up =) Muack! " Felt very satisfied after receiving that sms. Thats what I wanted and expected from her.

Met Zishen out and heard him talked out his troubles. It's actually the first time I heard Zishen talked out and letting us know how he felt. Minkuan and me both gave advices to him on what to do. Had a really great time chilling. After that went to Zishen's house to chill LoL. Went inside the house and we saw his mum with a few aunties playing majong O.o.. Greeted them and rush to the toilet as I was urgently in need of the toilet. Zishen's mum told Zishen 你的朋友很帅. Then Zishen walked over to me and said :" Eh Ed, my mum say you're handsome." LoL! Thanks huh. XD At Zishen house we chatted for awhile and played 围棋 . With the help of Minkuan, Zishen lost I guess? LOL Went home around 3.00AM. And it's damn far to walk from Zishen's house to my house. Received a sms from her around 3.10AM only saying :" meow ". Noticed it only when I reached home which was 3.30AM already. Replied her I'm going to bathe and I've reached home just like the way she want me to. But she didn't reply. Thinking that she went back sleeping, I go ahead with my shower and prayed before go to sleep. Didn't know who I was praying to.. Half thinking of Buddha another Christ... Fell asleep while praying. It happens recently while I prayed and I fell asleep without me noticing. Woke up with no memories of any dreams I've had.

Sunday, 18 May 08,
Woke up at 9.45AM and went to bathe. Water was cold as usual as my heater was spoiled and have not been replaced -_-Zzz Done preparing and went out after my mum handed me some Macdonald's Coupons. Gave her a call to tell her I'm going over and of cause she told me to wake her up again when I reached her place. Reached her place at around 10.35AM. Wasn't even sweating abit. Weird warm day but I'm not sweating. Gave her a call when I reached her doorsteps. She opened the gate and walked back to her bed. Went inside her room and saw her curling like a ball under her blanket. Sat beside her bed and gave her a peck and strokes her back.

Turned and back-faced her, I asked :" Still don't want to get up? You're gonna miss your Macdonald breakfast when you're done preparing. " She turned, pulled me down lying beside her and hugged me as if I'm her bolster. Felt her warm body on my back and she gave me a peck. Woke her up at 11AM and asked her to go bathe and all. After she bathed we went for our Macdonald's Lunch at Admiralty and bus-ed home. She greeted my mum warmly and walked into my room as I followed her. She jumped on my bed and asked me to give her a hug. Had spend most of our time on the bed. Talking and cuddling each other. Slept together. At least now she sms only when I walked away. She also did tried to cuddle me and talk to me when she noticed I've became sian because she was smsing. Took the psp into the room and we both played DJ max 2. Slacked till around 7PM +. We woke up and my mum told me that my dad would be bring us for dinner. At around 8.20PM my mum gave my dad a call and dad said he can't make it. Was disappointed. So I cooked 2 cups of Cup noodle for both me and her.

After our dinner, I brought her home. On the train I told her that some people can be very good to you when they still find interest in you and MAY change if they wanted more from you. Telling her to be careful of some guys and all. Fear she might be traumatized if those guys want more from her physically.. So at least I did my part to warned her and up to her to protect herself when she's outside.. And also did told her I don't like her talking to Ruisen but he's her friend and it's her freedom to sms. Don't trust him for who he is. She listened to me and nodded her head answering me without any displease this time. As per normal, we kissed and hugged in the lift. Sent her to the door step and she asked me to enjoy my chilling with MinKuan and Jacky. Of cause I'll I smiled back at her and went off.

Meet up with Jacky and Minkuan over at Admiralty Food court. When I reached, they're already done with their dinner and 3 of us walked to 7-eleven to get some drinks. On our way to the fitness corner we always chill out at, we saw Miss Goh & Chuppy ~ Had a short talk with her, she's still the same cheerful, knowledgeable and understanding Gan ma =). After the chat with Miss Goh we continued walking to the fitness corner and Zishen reached shortly. Chatted with my buddies and half way through, she sms to ask hows my gathering and such. Chatted awhile and she went to bed. Asked me to do the same thing again, going home sms her, reached home sms her and sleeping already sms her.. Actually I wanted to be cared by her just like that.. All I wanted is her attention, her able to put on blog and all saying she love me and draw a line with other guys showing them she's not interested in them as she has me.. But just.. Never mind .. Forget it.. Cherish what I have now will do...

Lazy to type the chats we had over at the fitness corner. Went to Minkuan house to transfered God of War into my psp as he wanted eat his medicine. Watched some youtube video and went to Zishen's house. Talking about Ruisen.. Actually Zishen's cousin and Ziping know Ruisen. I didn't believe and double checked with them through friendster. And it's the same guy whom is always sms-ing my girlfriend. But it's also partly her for replying to his topic... But.. O well.. Don't know what to say.. All I can do now is to love and trust what she told me each and everytime.. If she's unfaithful then.. I'll have my stand and know what to do by then. Showed them the photo we took during our 1 year 6 month anniversary and it's the only the 2nd time we took picture together.. Had a wonderful chilling session at Zishen's house with Ziping, his cousin, Zishen's friend which is a girl, Minkuan, Jacky and me. It's like a big family. Had Tons of laugher that night. Went home at 3AM, long way home again..

Once I reached home, I smsed her and went bathing. When I'm done bathing, I sms her again and said I'm going to bed as tomorrow I'll be going out in the morning to pray and will sms her when I wake up. Played God of War for awhile and prayed before I sleep.. Fall asleep again without knowing..

Monday, 19 May 08,
Woke up at 9.30AM and went to pray at many places. It was warm as the temples I visited are all packed with people with the weather of 33 degree. Sweat wet my shirt as if I've bathed with my shirts on. I could feel the sweat trickling down from my thighs down to my ankles.

Reached home about 3.30PM and had a little heat stroke. Drank lots of water and took 2 panadol to reduce the headaches. Received a sms from her saying her phone's screen displays nothing and had to get home, changed to another phone and out again. Gave her a call to ask what exactly happened and ask her to enjoy herself and be careful outside. Hung up the phone, bathed and went out to meet up with Jacky and Minkuan 5PM at Admiralty. As usual Jacky was late and when he arrived, we watched him eating his Chicken burger. LoL. Traveled to Doby Ghaut and meet up with Silvia, Jacky's friend. Went for dinner at Just Acie ( think is that name huh?) That China waitress damn nonsense, walked to our table and slided the menu to us and walked away. What the hell is that attitude. Never mind about that, we ordered our food Jacky had dumpling with don't what thing else with rice, Minkuan had Soft shell crab, Silvia had beef and I had Teriyaki Chicken. The way the waitress pronounce is like this. "Oone de|e|ya|ki chee|ken , Oone soft Si|L crab|be , Oone Dum|pu|ling Set and Oone Beef blah blah blah (dunno what she said)" Is she blind? We're Chinese too, why does she find a need to torture our ears using her Chinglish? LOL Jacky said he wanted to get the drinks first. I helped Minkuan with the drinks as he looked after our stuff. Jacky stood up and walked... I followed him of cause, didn't dine there before.. Heard the Cheena yell from behind :" HEI! HEI! HEERRE ~ NOT DERE ~" Wow lao, we customer eh, not some bangala you can yell at -_-Zzz

Not long after we ordered our food, another guy came.. His name is.. err never mind.. I can't remember.. And not long after that guy ordered, another girl came.. Her name is err... Vic in short I think? Didn't get her whole name. Named The food was OK? Not very satisfying for the price I paid for...

Went around to shop around at Plaza Sing. and have lots of laugher as the friends are super funny and good at lame jokes.. LoL. It was fun. Went to E2Max for some lan gaming after that. Took a few group photos and the girls said we guys standing behind looks like the boy band. LoL?

While playing Team fortress 2, the girls wanted to go off.. Think they've something else tomorrow I guess? Damn fun and lame lo. TF2 graphic is so cartoon ~ LoL. Received a sms from her asking me have I taken my dinner and such. Chat awhile but I replied her quite slowly as I was busying with TF2 XD But still, I fork out some time to reply her sms.

Went home after an hour of gaming as Jacky is heading to the Old School for his dance rehearsal. Traveled home with Minkuan and sms her that I'm on my way home. She reached home, done bathing and sms me, which is around 10.30PM. Sms-ed for awhile and she asked whether I want her to wait for me till I reached home or not. Told her not to if she's tired and wanted her to turn in early as she's starting to have circles under her eyes. Before she even send me a good night message, I've already reached Admiralty and gave her a call. She don't sound irritated, we do have a short nice chat. Hang up and sent her a good night message. Didn't though of anything else, I walked home slowly, took my bathe once I reached home and slept after praying..

2008-05-17T11:26:00.004+08:00

Friday, 16 May 08
In the morning, received a sms from her telling me Happy 1 year 6 months etc etc and she's on the way to school. Will drop me a sms during her lunch. Replied her only when I'm going out heading for my office.

During my work hours, I was wondering whether to buy something for her or not. I was so uncertain and pondering the whole day.. Hearing some advices from friends I ended up buying a ice cream cake at Swensen at Yishun and asked her to hurry while I wait for her at Khatib MRT station. When she saw me, she said why did I waste money to buy all this stuff. Saw her emptied handed and I knew she didn't do anything for today. Frankly speaking, I felt disappointed which i should not. I shouldn't even have any expectations from her. Train-ed home and have our time in my room.

I asked her, will she feels that I'm too small sized? No she said. Will she feels I'm too short? I ain't anywhere taller she said. Will she feels I'm irritating? Still alright.. she replied. Will she get tired of me? I love you, I won't. Lastly I asked, really didn't get anything for me? She said No, tired and didn't though of making any, give you on sunday okay? I kept quite. She then said, don't want ar? Then don't want lo, better then I didn't make for you. hmph! Of cause I said okay lo, you got mood then make ba. We hugged and cuddled each other. Really did enjoy this moment. 9PM..

Woke up and sat on the edge of my bed. Walk over to get a tissue to clean my nose, turned over and saw her sms-ing.. Does she really find the need of replying all sms she received? Accidently saw her inbox when she's beside me and happens to be all that guy.. RuiSen.. Does this fucking bastard know she's attach? Why will he wanna keep getting close to her? And why must she keep replying him? Well it's just a friend friend chat, shouldn't think that much.. Don't know why I'm being paranoid by this. Shouldn't think so much.. Shouldn't think so much..

Had our dinner. She's sweet.. Holding my arms, kissed me on the cheeks, hugged me and all.. Just love her doing all this by her own. Really do love her so much.. But just all this remind me part of a song from 杨宗玮 - 让.

让你逃亡又让你回航
让你依赖我也让你倔强
只要你微笑
带一点感动的泪光
我就得到可以再给的力量
我让你飞翔又让你说谎
我让你苛求我也让你奢望
我还以为爱
就是要体贴的退让
我们一起盖的罗马
你却跟他拆了城墙
踩过我用挚爱建筑的天堂
太绝对的爱变成了活该
朋友要我责怪我却只想重来
也许这就叫爱
我让你飞翔又让你说谎
我让你苛求我也让你奢望
我还以为爱就是要体贴的退让

I just feels that she's like that because of me.. It's because of all I did.. Loving her the wrong way in the past. Well it's all the past, stop turning back looking and face the future instead..

Took out the ice cream strawberry cake I brought at Swensen from the fridge. She told me she didn't have the chance to taste an ice cream cake before. And I smiled at her while getting everything prepared. Took a photo of both of us with the cake. After the photo, she's back to sms again which really got me mentally disturbed. Cut the cake up and handed my mum the 1st piece and so on so for.

It was about 10PM when we're done eating the cake and such. Walked to Admiralty, she held my arms and really did enjoy the travel home with her. Kissed and hugged in the lift. Said good bye to her once I sent her to the door step. When I reached home bathed it's about 11.40PM and gave her a call. She sounded tired as she woke up rather early for her lesson. Had a little talk but not much responds from her as she's tired.. Hung up the phone after saying good bye to her.. It's 11.58PM.. 2 mins before our anniversary ended. I waited for the next 2 mins and sent her a good night sms. Her reply was slow and I waited till 12:17AM before she replies me saying she loves me always and such. Wonder what she's doing that took her so long to reply... Haiz.. Maybe dose off? Too tired maybe? Send her a very long sms.

"I know you always do love me. But you're doing it in the different way now. You wanted to know more friends, enjoys spending time with them, the care and attention they give you which you never had a chance to do so. And I have to respect as it's your wishes. Willing to change myself all for you as long as you're happier then before. Hoping all this will really let me see that you'll be the one sleeping beside me every morning I wake up. I love you mao. I'm going to bed now. Good night =) "

That's all for our anniversary of 1 year 6 months..

2008-05-16T10:20:00.008+08:00

Thursday, 15 may 08,
Reached office around 9.25AM and it's damn boring. Totally nothing for me to do at all. Saw her morning sms saying morning and she loves me and all. Did brighten up my day a little. Remembering she's gonna meet Jonathan for dinner, so either I meet Minkuan for dinner or I skip it. Did my stuff as per normal and checked her blog which have no updates.

Minkuan sms me saying he's down with flu and had to see a doctor. In the afternoon, he sms me again saying the clinic is closed till 12PM to 7PM and had to make his way home to rest 1st. Sad ar, stupid clinic made him travel so many times lols.

5.40+PM I received a sms but didn't bother to read it. Knowing it's a sms from her telling me she finish school and going to meet Jonathan for dinner. Continue to do my last min work from my in-charge Zzz. Ended my work at 6.30PM I checked the sms and it's almost the same thing like I predicted. Replied her saying I just finished work and asked her where she's having dinner. She said she's eating at Causeway Point and asked me am I meeting Minkuan for dinner or not. Of cause I told her I'm eating alone as Minkuan is sick at home. Mentally I planned to skip my dinner, drink a cup of milk and go for my jog. Told her I'll eat my dinner, going for a jog after that and when she reached home let me know. Thats how I ended my sms with her.

Travel-ed home, did my preparation and went for my jog. Didn't bother to tell her I'm going out for the jog now. Drank a cup of chocolate milk, did my stretchings and go ahead for the jog. Did some pull-ups, sit-ups, leg-lifts, crunches, curl-ups and walked from the 1st floor to the 13th after 3 rounds around Admiralty Secondary school. Didn't feel as much muscle aches as before but I'm hoping to feel it. Maybe didn't push myself to feel those aches. To me having muscle aches it's a form of your muscles developing.

Bathed and gave her a call. Nothing much of any content, just casual talks. She also told me she spend her money on Pasta Mania and had no money to buy a gift for me as tomorrow it's our 1 year 6 months. Left that bit of money still got eat Pasta Mania? Knowing tomorrow it's our anniversary still didn't save just a little bit of cash to at least get me a small tiny little gift? I don't understand.. Maybe she's just saying she's not getting anything? I dunno.. Lets see about it when tomorrow comes.. I starting to feel I'm back tracking and dwelling into it again..

2008-05-15T09:46:00.003+08:00

Wednesday, 14 May 08,
Didn't go for work as I've a serious headache. Sms her, Minkuan and Ann telling them I'm resting at home not going for work. She replied a sms telling me to rest well ,love you etc etc. Woke up about 1.45PM and it's raining heavily. Sms her asking whether she has taken her lunch and does she wants me to fetch her after school. She rejected me of cause, saying that Lijun (her bff) they all will accompany her to Admiralty and I can fetch her from there instead. Didn't felt as disappointed as I used to be.. Guess it's because I'm use to it after all this while.

Chat online with a few people and downloaded Counter-strike : Condition zero deleted scene from Steam. Minkuan said it's nice so I just downloaded it and give it a try. Plugged in my ear piece as I don't want to destroy the quite atmosphere. The game was interesting with some special missions. Time really flys when you put in your concentration in something. Especially games, work or even playing guitar ! XD

Soon I received a sms from her telling me she's at YewTee already and I bus-ed over to Admiralty MRT station. Sent a sms to Minkuan telling him I'll be heading Admiralty now and will meet him up over at the control station. She arrived shortly and I gave her a peck. She returned one to me. While waiting for Minkuan to arrive, I brought Milk Tea for myself as she don't want any. She was sweet holding my hand, stroking my back and all. Minkuan arrived shortly and we bus-ed to my house for guitar lesson XD On the bus she told me she's meeting Jonathan Tee (a guy I know) for dinner tomorrow. Guess she's the 1 asking him out for dinner. O well.. She did asked me along about I turned her down. If I tagged along, 1st Jonathan will feel very odd and 2nd , not meeting her up is somehow an opportunity for her to get something for me on Friday, our 1 Year 6 Months. If I'm not there for the dinner, at least she can't say she had no time to get the present for me and such. Don't even know she will buy anything or not? I wont be buying anything for this time round and won't have high expectation of receiving 1 from her either.

Reached home and we started our guitar lesson. Minkuan taught me 1 of the many strumming style ↓↓ ↑↑↑↓↑↓↑. Practiced it but still ain't prefect as I kept missing some part of the strumming. Corrected the way of me pressing the 'G' Key, 2nd finger should be at 2nd fret instead of the 3rd. Had dinner after the short guitar lesson. She did tried to learn Qing Tian but after awhile, she claims that her finger tips hurts. Did make the effort to rub her finger gently and taught her how to pluck Qing Tian with my sister's guitar. Enjoyed the time we're together learning how to play guitar from Minkuan.

Half way through our dinner, she said she wanted to drink water as the chilli was too spicy. So I walked to the fridge to get a bottle of Honey drink for her and back to her side. While opening the bottle of drink, she hugged me. Returned a hug and asked what happen? She didn't answer me and continued hugging me. I felt I was loved by her.. So deeply all of a suddenly.. She took the drink and gave me a smile. I smiled, sat down and carry on with my dinner while Minkuan was outside installing guitar pro for me. Thanks Bro XD

After Minkuan transfer DJ max 2 into my brother's computer upon my sister's request, we walked to Admiralty. And Minkuan went to take bus 912 as he wasn't feeling well with the flu pestering him. We then train-ed from Admiralty to Khatib had little talks but non about whats happening in her school. I was fine with it. In the lift, she came over and gave me a hug followed by a kiss on the lips.. Really did felt that she's back like last time.. Just like the way we used to be.. Said good bye to her after she went into her house and I traveled home.

Gave her a call when I reached home. I was on the 2nd line.. I hanged up immediately and my mind starts to run wild... Thinking of those negative stuff again, my mood starts to turn foul and couldn't rest my mind.. Less then a min, she missed call me. Called her back and she told me she was on the phone with her dad. After a short talk, I said good night to her and hung up the phone. Frankly speaking I don't know to believe her or not... Kept wondering is she lying to me or not. Why can't I just trust her but have to suspect her all over? Why can't I just trust my girlfriend? But.. Felt retarded after all those thinking.. Can't sleep because all those thoughts is cycling inside my head.. You won't believe this.. I meditated myself to sleep after that.. It's the 1st time meditating works for me again, kept my mind clear and all of a sudden I was asleep...

2008-05-14T12:13:00.006+08:00

Tuesday, 13 May 08
Met Ann around 8.40AM at Admiralty, knowing we'll be late again as per normal LoL. Reached office at 9.20AM. While typing her blog address, I accidentally went into her old blog. So I browse through what she wrote there. Since we started, first month she did wrote alot about me and such. She said she's lonely and thank god I'm there for her. She did post alot saying I care for her and such. But whats the point of me reading it. Mentally I'm comparing her past and present. Really did regret for breeching the trust but what can I do? No way of me trying to heal the wound when she don't even know I'm doing it.

Her lesson ended at 5PM and there's no sms from her at all. Till 6PM after the last min work from my in-charge which gets me so pissed off. So I just left the office after I pass him the stack of paper and sms her saying I just finish my work. Her reply was :" heh, sorry I forgot to sms you, I'm going out with papa to take a look at Sengkang houses". She actually did forgot to sms me.. Maybe she really did forgot because there's just too many things she's doing.. I also cannot say that she has been sms-ing RuiSen everyday, everytime and such.. I wont know and I don't think it's appropriate to ask has she been sms-ing Ruisen , is she on the phone with him recently.. Aiya fuck la, don't even want to think. My temper got rather bad when I was walking to Jurong MRT station.

It got better after I stop thinking. Communication broke down between me and Minkuan LOL. I reached home ate my dinner, pack my stuff and rush out. Totally forgot to inform him that I reached home and all LoL. Sorry ar brother. Ended up we only swam for 1 Hour, we went to change and realized that I lost my cap Zzz.. NVM ! I can get a cheaper and better 1 over at Beach Road LOL XD After swimming, we went for dinner at Causeway Point. I ate alone as Minkuan wasn't hungry. Had Carona Sambal Chicken Cutlet after we brought the guitar picks.

Bus-ed home after dinner. Sms her that I'm done swimming and told her to sms me once she reached home. It was about 10PM when I reached home. Played the guitar and waited for her sms till 11PM, I received her sms saying she reached home. I replied asking her does she wants me to give her a call or not and she said no as her phone's battery it's gonna be emptied soon.

Trying to be sarcastic, I replied :" o okay lo, then cannot hear me playing guitar already. Too bad lols ". She replied saying let the phone charge first and later when she's done with her stuff, then she'll let me know when to call in. And so I waited... My mind went wild wondering was she talking to Ruisen.. But drop the thought after awhile somehow.. No point thinking of it.. So what she's on the phone with him.. There's nothing I can do either.. It's was about 11.30PM and I wanted to sms her I'm tired and wanna get some sleep. Before I even send the sms, she missed call me indicating I can give her a call already and so I did. Chat with her awhile, played the guitar and somehow she noticed I was very exhausted. She said I should be sleeping as I need to work tomorrow and said she's coming for dinner tomorrow. Before hanging up, she said :" Love you pie pie heh, good night . " Didn't feel a thing even she said that. Maybe because I'm just too tired.. Went to bed after sms-ing her a good night message..

2008-05-13T09:41:00.006+08:00

Monday, 12 May 08,
Early in the morning I woke up I had 2 sms. One from her another from Minkuan. She send me a morning sms content about the same as what she send every morning but still at least she sms me ma lol. Minkuan sms said that he's not going to work! Nua-ing (slacking is another word for this slang) at home lol. For my case, actually I'm also lazy to go work but still... Went to work as per normal. Yawn ~ traveling alone as my travel mate, Ann, was late? LoL. Don't have the mood to work. -_-

Reached office at around 9.20AM. Turn on my computer and view her blog. Became very down after reading it. It says "gave mummy the present, hope she'll like it? Cos' i seriously don't know what to buy for her." Her mum knows that I shared money with her to buy it, but why in her blog she said "i seriously don't know what to buy for her" I'm not even involved O.o? .. There's only her who brought the present.. O well.. Maybe she just don't want people to know that I existed.. Thinking of the positive side, at least her mum knows I actually brought a gift for her. Just don't understand why she just wanna have a relationship so discrete. Ain't she proud of me being her boyfriend? I really don't know... -_- ZzZ

Working hours was boring. Received a sms from her around 3PM+ telling me her lesson has ended as the teacher for the last lesson was not around and she's gonna look for her secondary school friends over at Causeway Point. All I replied was " Alright lols, enjoy yourself and get some little bites to eat if you're hungry okay? Reached home then let me know. =) " And ya, didn't bother to check my sms after that. Around 5.55PM my phone alarm rung and I realized today it's Feifei (Demi is her real name =x) Birthday! Happy Birthday FeiFei ! Remain chubby always! XD

After work, traveled home with Farhana, Ann and Angie. Rush home to get changed and sms Minkuan. Became his personal trainer on that day LoL. Pace him jogging and then some sit-ups and pull-ups. Saw some hot ladies which jog really fast -_- Minkuan became Nua( Soft ) after 2 rounds no matter how I tried to force him to run, he kept emphasizing that his body can't take it already LoL. After all those exercise, we walked to Admiralty to get 100 Plus and Kitkat, Which is my dinner =x

Eating the kitkat on the way to Minkuan house to collect his guitar. It came all of a sudden when I found my interest in playing guitar. Carried the guitar home and I went for a shower. Gave her a call and chat with her for awhile before I start playing the guitar. Minkuan taught me how to read Tabs through msn LOL dope eh. Thanks bro haha XD
Thats all about it. Stopping right here.

2008-05-12T14:31:00.007+08:00

Saturday, 10th May 08,
Woke up at 9.30AM. Went to bathe and put on my clothings. It's was about 10AM when I was done preparing and ready to go over to her house to fetch her. While I was walking to the bus-stop I gave her a call to wake her up.

Reached her place around 10.20AM and her grandmother opened the gate for me. She was still sleeping like I expected. Woke her up again and she went bathing. Noticed her phone was by her bed when she was still lying down and when she went in bathing, she took her phone into the toilet with her.. Felt that I'm still not trusted by her.. Ended up she told me she was lazy to travel over to China Town and requested to buy the present over at Causeway Point instead. She said she saw some exquisite cups which cost $25 each and she's gonna get one for her mother, at the same time , me myself have to get another for my mother. And the plan was, we each will say the gift is from me and her.

At first I was unwilling to make the deal with her making her pissed off abit. But it's true what? I didn't even get to see the cup? I won't know my mum will use the cup or not? And most importantly, I wanna get something which my mum will use you see?

Hais..

Coax her up while traveling to Causeway Point. The cup was sold in the new shop just opened at level 4 if I remember. The cup was very western, small with flowery designs on the cup. I brought both the same design and she insist of paying me $25. I made the payment using NETS and we're told to come back shortly to collect the warped gifts.

Bus-ed home from Causeway Point and once we reached my house, she handed the gift to my mum saying that we both brought it for her. Slacked on the bed for a short while and she decides to watch the show " X-Family " on the website www.mysoju.com. After watching quite a few chapters, we went to bed at about 4PM. My family member went out shortly at 5PM+ heading to my grandparent's house.Slept beside her while placing my hand on her hips. After awhile, she turned over and hugged me.. Uncertainness overwhelmed me again.. Woke up around 8PM+ and there's nothing to eat. So I made 2 cup noodles and then woke her up. She hugged and pecked me on my lips and thank me for preparing the noodles for her. All I did was return a hug and smiled at her.

Remembering that her contact lens expires on the 12th, I asked whether she needs a new pair of lens of not. She nodded and insist of paying me $15. How could I accept? She's only left with $25, pay me $15 for the lens and she's only left with $10 for the next week. -_- ZzZ Left her at home and I went down to get a pair of grey colored contact lens for her.. Getting a pair of contact lens to me it's like a monthly routine. Come to think of it, it's something she'll use and needs.. But don't know how will she think.. Just taking the contact lens for granted cause I've been buying all along? I don't know and I don't want to even think about it. As long as she smile and I can see she's happy.. I'm actually fine with how I feel.. ( I guess? ._. )After hugging and such for awhile at home after dinner, we taxi-ed to her house.

On the taxi, she told me that her dad will be bringing her along to have a look at the second hand houses over at SengKang tomorrow. And after viewing the houses, he will send her to Tampines to have dinner with her grandparents, aunt, etc etc.. I responded by nodding my head and telling her I will also be hanging out with my buddies and we'll be heading Golden Mile. Our conversation wasn't much of anything.. But at least she tells me something compared to nothing at all.. Sometimes I feel that I don't know a single thing which is happening to her at school each day. Kept telling myself I shouldn't think so much of anything about her, I shouldn't ask too much about her stuff and she'll tell me on her own accord if she wants me to know. Thats how I have been with days without her by my side...

Sunday, 11th May 08,
It's Mother's Day. First thing in the morning after I bathe and all, I went over and gave my mum a peck on her cheek and said :" Happy mother's day mummy ." She smiled. Went over to her house to pass her the contact lens solution as she said hers is finishing up soon. She was still sleeping when I reach and handed the solution to her grandmother. Met up with Minkuan after that around 2PM+ and waited at Admiralty KFC as Jacky went to get his FAKE MC which costed him a bomb. $50++ for all the medicines which he was faking LOL. I just get to know.. Golden Mile = Beach road .. What the hell -_- Had tons of crapping/ beat-boxing/ dancing while we're heading to the food center looking for Minkuan's and Jacky's friend, DeSong, ROC Pizza chef. His pizza has a very unique taste, it's thin crust, super crispy and tasty. We three ate three large pan Pizza, ham and sausage, M... Something something I forgot whats that and lastly a seafood pizza. Very satisfying. XD

While I was eating, she sms-ed me to ask hows my day and such. Replied her as per normal till her sms gets shorter and shorter with no content. I last replied her :" why not when you finish your dinner with them le, going home already you let me know? Send my regards to them =) love you ". And she replied :" heh okay, enjoy yourself, love you too ". Felt that everytime I tell her to sms me when she's going home, her reply will be so happy.. Like wow, finally he wants to stop sms-ing me. O well, I'm thinking too much =,=. Didn't bother to check my sms after that.

After eating, we went army market which is right above the food center. Jack brought 2 clothes and Mk got 1, 3 for $20. The designs are unique but.. Why even before i buy clothes, I have to think of her.. Whether she think I look nice in it or not .. Etc etc.. O well. Jacky's plastic bag snap half way as he was swinging the plastic bag like some kind of toy LOL. He could actually chose to hold the plastic bag in hand but he stuff it into his pocket.. Which totally look like trash in his pocket LoL.

Went over to Cathay and there's no movie we're interested in =.= Ended up we walked to Parklane. Looked at some plastic figuring of anime girls and it seems like the figuring are dressed lesser and lesser down the row -_- LOL! We went inside a Lan shop and played Counterstrike, Battlefield 2 and... Gunbound.. How nice.. Zzz Memories of us being a kid of age 16, 17, 18 blah blah blah ~ LoL. After lan-gaming, we walked over to the opposite end on the road for bean curd and Mk cracked a racist joke about the indian crossing the road. LOL. Shall not mention it, he's one racist basket! Even I agree with him but it's still racist ! LOL

Had our 'rough' dining of bean curd at a back alley with lizards looking at you, fortunate enough, there wasn't Roaches around LOL~! MK was like trying to paranoid me by saying, Eh Ed got roach behind you. But I didn't give him a damn ROFL! Jack took our orders and brought back some bean curds, Butterflys, Yu tiaos. This time Zishen really miss out tons of enjoyment with us. Thanks brothers, really do appreciate it so much ...

Memories.. Still I must face the future instead of turning my back looking at the past.. Really do miss the days that she's excited in seeing me each time and all.. But.. Ya.. Thats all the past, memories and a changed person is what I'm left with now.. Not to forgot my friends, which have been listening to my complains and some even saw me broke down.. Really do appreciated every single thing you guys did for me.. Thanks all =)

2008-05-10T00:48:00.001+08:00

Went to work and today was kind of the worst day? I reached office at 9.30AM LOL. Look forward to meet my buddies after work and was like damn sian during the office hour. Ann was like so irritating? LOL she wrote a note on A4 sized paper and stick it on my Computer screen with the words 去大便了 . Don't know whats in her brain.

She didn't sms me until 4pm ++ . Asking me where I'll be having my dinner. Told her I'll be meeting with Minkuan, Zishen, Jacky and travel to East Coast Lagoon to have our dinner and all. Didn't ask her much on the sms, only told her to enjoy herself, take care and such.

Gave her a call after work asking where is she, have she taken her dinner or not but the reply was just what I questioned her. So didn't bothered to carry on the conversation and told her to sms me when she reached home. So I traveled home, changed and meet Minkuan at CWP, 7.30PM. Waited for him to arrived around 7.40PM ++ but Zishen reached at 8.20PM++ . Bus-ed ourself to Bedok enjoying FM98.2, MUTTONS AT MIDNIGHT LoL. Damn Funny, we're like laughing through out our journey to Bedok interchange.

Taxi-ed to East Coast Lagoon and waited for Jacky. Had carrot cake, Fried oyster, Steam boat , Thailand coconut and also beer XD . Half way through my dinner, she smsed me saying she reached home. Then I was like ooo Okay. After smsing her a few messages, she end of with saying, :" Mao , i going sleep le then sms u k? Love u heh " and i replied her :" LoL, you already say le ma? I can say no meh? haha. See your message soon"

Didn't bothered to check my sms cause I was having a great time eating and chatting with my buddies. Took a walk down the beach and sat there. It's been a long time since I've been to the beach sitting there and thinking of NOTHING. Just a very brief chat of what happen the weekdays and all. Taxi-ed home after that and decided to play CS online all of a sudden LoL.

Yea.. Man I love my buddies. It's a great time have together with them. But for her.. Again.. I've no answer to that.. Will be meeting her tomorrow morning going china town to window shop and buy something for my dearest mum. Well thats about it ending here then. Nights..

2008-05-08T21:24:00.001+08:00

Same thing today, went to work rather late. Reached at 9.20AM XD LoL ! Motivation was hoping I could see her after work for dinner. But ya.. Expected, she smsed me and say she's going home for dinner and ask me to head home for my dinner. Was very disappointed at first but slowly cooled down and kept telling myself it's alright, she's just tired and needed to slack at home.

Reach home and changed into my singlet + shorts and went for a jog hoping to keep my mind clear and able to think better. Didn't take my dinner because I've no appetite at all.. Drank a cup of chocolate milk and went jogging ._. Come back after the jog and my legs was jelly like soft.. Didn't jog for a long long time and was able to feel the aches on my tights immediately. Reached home and informed her that I've reach home and bathed. Wanted to give her a call but mum was using the phone. At the same time.. Something held me back not to phone her. Don't know whats wrong with me.. Missing her badly.. But.. Ya.. I still need to go on, being mature and stable will make her love me more I guess? Still, Me myself don't have an answer to my heart..

Tomorrow she's going out with her friends. Don't how I'll think and feel. But I could be better off if I don't even think about her? Just enjoy the time spend with my bros. Gonna have dinner with Minkuan, Zishen and hopefully Jacky at East Coast Lagoon . Hope they'll all turned up and really enjoy the presence of each other rather then THEY hearing my problems and all .. lols.. I'm so sure that I'm gonna get SLAP if I talk about her tomorrow =x

2008-05-07T17:48:00.002+08:00

Yesterday night after my work, I meet up with MinKuan and was totally aimless of where to go chill. Met with ZiShen around 10pm and chat. Somehow I was thinking of those negative again and ZiShen talk sense into me. He said there's a problem there and everytime I bring out a problem wanting to solve with her, she became angry and I just keep the problem. It's like a Hypocrite ar ! Why can't I just go to ask and seriously ask her do she still love me or not? Does she wants to continue ? How is she treating me the pass few months since ITE started and all.

But I just.. Don't have the courage to do so as I still feels that she loves me. MinKuan then added in, we already told you just to enjoy all the chilling session and your thoughts went wild thinking all over again? Thinking can change nothing if the outcome is expectedly to be a bad one . And IF it's not? You're being a hypocrite in front of her acting to be happy but you're NOT ! I told you to give space to her. I see can that happening, BUT YOU are not giving TIME and SPACE for YOURSELF ! She enjoy herself why can't YOU !? We did our exam paper and just all you need to do is be positive, enjoy yourself and wait for the result .. Which is her reaction.. MinKuan even said that he knows I can do it and just do a blog vent my anger and sadness over. EVEN no 1 reads it, IT'S TOTALLY FINE !!!

Those really did struck my head deep .. As my buddies they are just being frank to me.. and thats the truth. They won't want me to think as it's like → I'm now cutting my own wrist hurting myself because I'm THINKING WAY TOO MUCH !

Actually during the chilling session, I plan to meet MinKuan to swim the next morning but drop the idea as there's nothing we can do after swimming session -.- So after the session, I walked home and ended my day after I bathe.

Woke up 7.45AM and back to work at Jurong ._. Kept those words my buddies told me and just work my day through and created this blog while working. LoL. My first ain't that bad after all . After work I went over her house to fetch her. Saw her dad and he was on the phone confirming the locations of the houses at SengKang. Was upset to hear she's really gonna move over and they'll looking at those houses on coming Sunday.

We taxi-ed to my house to have dinner. Once we reached my house, I bathed and she was lying on the bed. Opened her arms to me and hugged her on the bed. Slept for about 30mins with her in my arms. She really did put her phone away this time, really enjoy the dinner and time spent. Fed her watermelon after dinner on my bed and cuddle her in my arms. Had a little bed fight. While cuddling her, I asked her :" What do you see in us? " She said:" Future.. " This word is just too overwhelming for me now. Felt her love rejuvenating from within my heart but I'm still not sure..After she went home.. The happiness was over and I'm back to my old self.. At least now i learn not to think so much and just let it be.. She also told me on Friday she's going out with 2 groups of friends, 1st group is her secondary school friends, in the afternoon and 2nd, her ITE friends, at night and will be home before 11pm. And all I told her and did was, enjoy yourself, be careful when you're out there, don't stay out too late and smiled at her.. Thats the space, freedom and trust she wants and expected from me..

2008-05-07T12:32:00.000+08:00

Now it's like, even I go out with her, she'll reply that guy, RuiSen, and he will ask questions like what are you doing, where are you? All those.. And the sms can just keep coming in like 10mins or so or even less for the whole day. I had sub consciously taken that guy as my rival in love and I can do nothing about it. To my girlfriend it's really like just a friend I guess. But when she's bored, she'll turn to that guy instead of me. I felt that she enjoy the feeling being wooed and wanted but yet wants to retain me by her side as an assurance that she won’t get hurt. Somehow I feel like a piece of tissue at times..

I feel least important and uncertain of my feelings when she does all this.When she's by my side and manage to leave her phone for awhile, hugging me or leaning on me, I can feel she loves me.. But during some days when I don't get to see her and sms-ed her, her reply will be short and haste which has to depend on her mood that particular time.

Friday, 2nd may,
After dinner, I sent her home and we hugged each other outside her door step. I told her ' why sometimes I feel that you're so close to me but sometimes I feel you're so far.. '. She replied ' I'm always close to you what.' Kissed and I left.

I feel that I really need to open myself up and let her have time for her own friends but I'm jealous because my position was replaced by her friends. Even I send her a sms, her reply will be short (1 ~ 5 words) compared to the smses she reply to that guy (2 ~ 3 sentence). I know the number of words don't matters, it's the content, but sad to say her sms sent to me has no content..

Saturday, 3rd May,
She went over to her mum's house to stay over at Tampines. I sms her and the way she reply, still short like she use to sent me. What I ask, she just replies like it's for the sake of just replying me. I phone her and talk to her asking about her day and all she said was ' Sian,nothing to do. Lazy to talk eh, tired.' Of cause I hang up because I feel no point talking to her as she has no interests talking to me.

Sunday, 4th may,
I went over to her mum's house to look for her in the afternoon. She smiled at me, played with me and disturbs me. At night after our dinner with her uncles and aunts, her uncle sent us to Yishun as she wanted to buy a HI- card just in case her dad didn't pay for her bill. She held my hands and we shopped for it. Finally brought a M1 card which have the value of $100 and a SIM card, total of $38 bucks and we shared the amount. She insisted in sharing because she worried I have no money to eat as it's my pocket money. After buying the card, she thanked me and I told her that is all I can do princess (she told her aunt and uncle I treated her like a princess), to buy stuff for you, care for you, LOVE you for who you are. She smiled and held my arm. She then told me that she'll only give the number to those that will always sms her and wanted me to save the number in case I need to find her. Of cause I kept quite knowing who will be those people she’ll give her new number to, nodded and saved the number.

Send her home after that, she kissed me on the cheek in the lift and I hugged her waist. Outside her door step she asked:” why today you like pull long face and tried to smile only when I look at you or when people talked to you? “. It old her:” I didn't pull long face.. It's just.. I missed u..”. She strokes my face, hugged and kissed good bye. Made me felt so different from Saturday. She also did tell me that she's going to move to SengKang in a few months time. And.. I really don’t know what else I can do.. I could only pray distance won’t be an issue to our relationship.

After I reached home, I gave her a call and she told me she's about to sleep soon and of cause, I greeted her good night etc and hang up.I think she on the phone with that guy at night after we hang up our call. Because she tells me she's lying down and going to sleep after the hang up. Isms her 30mins later telling her I can’t sleep and she replies:” try sleeping okay? benben. I'm sleeping now.” From before 30minsshe told me she is going to sleep and after 30min she tells me she's sleeping now. Which shall I believe? I don’t know due to what have happened the previous time. Said she's sleeping but yet i phone her, I'm hang on the 2nd line ... I cant differential which are the truth and which are the lies..

I fear communication break down. I fear of being replaced. I fear of losing her. I fear she'll leave me when she finds a better choice. I fear when I lose her, she'll give herself to the new partner and when guys get the 'FUN' from her and become bored, they'll ditch her. I fear she gets cheated. I fear I'll lose my everything as she's my everything( at least I feel like this for now.)

My buddies did tell me, I live my life for myself. I don’t live for just a gal.They also say that maybe my girlfriend is not matured yet so she won’t understand how I feel threaten and all even I express my feelings to her, she will just feels that I'm nagging and thinking too much. Some even say, the girl I wanted is not her character and she can’t mold herself into that person which is not her. Some said I deserve someone better and understands me more and all I answer them was... I .. I don’t know... ._. Pathetic huh? I just.. Cannot bare to lose her.. So LOST in her ...

Tuesday ,6th May.
I don't why.. I feel so ... I don't how to express myself now .. What use to mine was now taken away slowly from me. She used to complain to me about her studies, about how her friends treated her, about almost everything. But now I'm just not the one. I used to be her listening ears but now, her girlfriend ,LiJun, has became her listening ears. She use to sms me a lot , but now has became to smsing her friend instead.. When she have no friends, all she do or what ever she do, she'll come to me. And now, she have her friends.. she's taking it away from me.. bit by bit..Come to think of it, I'm so used to the days she tells me where she is, what she's doing and all but now .. I don't even have a clue how she's doing in school and whats going on. To know what she is doing, who she is talking to is too much for me and I'll never get to know.. I'm just praying that the novelty will fade slowly and she'll come back to me..