Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Now it's like, even I go out with her, she'll reply that guy, RuiSen, and he will ask questions like what are you doing, where are you? All those.. And the sms can just keep coming in like 10mins or so or even less for the whole day. I had sub consciously taken that guy as my rival in love and I can do nothing about it. To my girlfriend it's really like just a friend I guess. But when she's bored, she'll turn to that guy instead of me. I felt that she enjoy the feeling being wooed and wanted but yet wants to retain me by her side as an assurance that she won’t get hurt. Somehow I feel like a piece of tissue at times..
I feel least important and uncertain of my feelings when she does all this.When she's by my side and manage to leave her phone for awhile, hugging me or leaning on me, I can feel she loves me.. But during some days when I don't get to see her and sms-ed her, her reply will be short and haste which has to depend on her mood that particular time.
Friday, 2nd may,
After dinner, I sent her home and we hugged each other outside her door step. I told her ' why sometimes I feel that you're so close to me but sometimes I feel you're so far.. '. She replied ' I'm always close to you what.' Kissed and I left.
I feel that I really need to open myself up and let her have time for her own friends but I'm jealous because my position was replaced by her friends. Even I send her a sms, her reply will be short (1 ~ 5 words) compared to the smses she reply to that guy (2 ~ 3 sentence). I know the number of words don't matters, it's the content, but sad to say her sms sent to me has no content..
Saturday, 3rd May,
She went over to her mum's house to stay over at Tampines. I sms her and the way she reply, still short like she use to sent me. What I ask, she just replies like it's for the sake of just replying me. I phone her and talk to her asking about her day and all she said was ' Sian,nothing to do. Lazy to talk eh, tired.' Of cause I hang up because I feel no point talking to her as she has no interests talking to me.
Sunday, 4th may,
I went over to her mum's house to look for her in the afternoon. She smiled at me, played with me and disturbs me. At night after our dinner with her uncles and aunts, her uncle sent us to Yishun as she wanted to buy a HI- card just in case her dad didn't pay for her bill. She held my hands and we shopped for it. Finally brought a M1 card which have the value of $100 and a SIM card, total of $38 bucks and we shared the amount. She insisted in sharing because she worried I have no money to eat as it's my pocket money. After buying the card, she thanked me and I told her that is all I can do princess (she told her aunt and uncle I treated her like a princess), to buy stuff for you, care for you, LOVE you for who you are. She smiled and held my arm. She then told me that she'll only give the number to those that will always sms her and wanted me to save the number in case I need to find her. Of cause I kept quite knowing who will be those people she’ll give her new number to, nodded and saved the number.
Send her home after that, she kissed me on the cheek in the lift and I hugged her waist. Outside her door step she asked:” why today you like pull long face and tried to smile only when I look at you or when people talked to you? “. It old her:” I didn't pull long face.. It's just.. I missed u..”. She strokes my face, hugged and kissed good bye. Made me felt so different from Saturday. She also did tell me that she's going to move to SengKang in a few months time. And.. I really don’t know what else I can do.. I could only pray distance won’t be an issue to our relationship.
After I reached home, I gave her a call and she told me she's about to sleep soon and of cause, I greeted her good night etc and hang up.I think she on the phone with that guy at night after we hang up our call. Because she tells me she's lying down and going to sleep after the hang up. Isms her 30mins later telling her I can’t sleep and she replies:” try sleeping okay? benben. I'm sleeping now.” From before 30minsshe told me she is going to sleep and after 30min she tells me she's sleeping now. Which shall I believe? I don’t know due to what have happened the previous time. Said she's sleeping but yet i phone her, I'm hang on the 2nd line ... I cant differential which are the truth and which are the lies..
I fear communication break down. I fear of being replaced. I fear of losing her. I fear she'll leave me when she finds a better choice. I fear when I lose her, she'll give herself to the new partner and when guys get the 'FUN' from her and become bored, they'll ditch her. I fear she gets cheated. I fear I'll lose my everything as she's my everything( at least I feel like this for now.)
My buddies did tell me, I live my life for myself. I don’t live for just a gal.They also say that maybe my girlfriend is not matured yet so she won’t understand how I feel threaten and all even I express my feelings to her, she will just feels that I'm nagging and thinking too much. Some even say, the girl I wanted is not her character and she can’t mold herself into that person which is not her. Some said I deserve someone better and understands me more and all I answer them was... I .. I don’t know... ._. Pathetic huh? I just.. Cannot bare to lose her.. So LOST in her ...
Tuesday ,6th May.
I don't why.. I feel so ... I don't how to express myself now .. What use to mine was now taken away slowly from me. She used to complain to me about her studies, about how her friends treated her, about almost everything. But now I'm just not the one. I used to be her listening ears but now, her girlfriend ,LiJun, has became her listening ears. She use to sms me a lot , but now has became to smsing her friend instead.. When she have no friends, all she do or what ever she do, she'll come to me. And now, she have her friends.. she's taking it away from me.. bit by bit..Come to think of it, I'm so used to the days she tells me where she is, what she's doing and all but now .. I don't even have a clue how she's doing in school and whats going on. To know what she is doing, who she is talking to is too much for me and I'll never get to know.. I'm just praying that the novelty will fade slowly and she'll come back to me..
Labels: I gave her the space she wants but am i giving myself space?
Posted at 12:32 PM
i am 19 years old